Hindsight 20/20

I've been a bit reflective lately... Looking back. Asking myself "If I had the chance to do that one thing over again, would I choose differently?" Do you ever get like that? Ask yourself if you had taken a different path, would your life be better or worse today? Now before alarms are raised everywhere, let me just say I wouldn't change anything about marrying Jon or having Shelby. In addition to having a job I love, those two are the highlights in my life.

If I could go back over two years ago, would I change taking my Mom into our household when my stepfather passed away? It is highly possible. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but in the past, I could only take her in small doses... Her visits with us could be no longer than 3 days because I knew my limits. If it was longer than 3 days, I would go crazy. After having her live with us for more than two years now, I'm beyond my 3 day limit. Way beyond.

It isn't easy living with a parent again, especially when you have to reverse the roles and become the parent to your parent. I've had to get onto her about taking care of her health, about eating more than a morsel for a meal, and about going to the doctor to take care of her back condition. After much research, her back condition could turn into paralysis and much worse if she doesn't get the proper treatment. Originally Shelby was going to stay with my mom full time but after we saw how it affected Mom's health, we put Shelby into daycare three days a week. After a year of that, we saw how it continued to affect her health and recently put her into daycare full time, a decision Mom isn't too happy with and continually makes digs at me about. But honestly, Mom wasn't doing much with Shelby at home. I'm not sure if it is because she didn't feel good or what but Shelby was watching a lot of TV and not doing arts/crafts/etc. She wasn't being socialized. Mom wasn't taking her out to the library or other places. Shelby wasn't gaining anything by staying home with Mom.

Now full-time daycare wasn't in the budget when we moved to a larger house to accommodate our "growing" family. Our house payment increased by $700 per month. Our utilities have increased... wow... Don't even go there. Add on the additional mouth to feed (Mom buys some of her necessities but not necessarily the food part or any eating out). Now we have unplanned for repairs we need to pay for... our water heater is broken so we have to replace it. We need to repair the sprinkler system as it was poorly installed. Not to mention that the previous homeowners didn't remove the sprinkler system from underneath the concrete patio when they poured it so now we probably need to get that taken up and installed properly. The back door needs to be replaced and new one installed properly as air blows through the back door in the winter as if it wasn't even there! It seems like we don't ever catch a break these days and it is depressing...

It is also difficult to live with a woman who can be very manipulative of me and can throw down guilt trips so easily. I try not to let it affect me emotionally but that is difficult. All her life, she has portrayed herself as a "victim" of this or that circumstance and in living with her, I'm finding that I'm questioning everything she has told me my entire life and trying to determine if it is true or not. I find things or hear things she says and they don't line up with the stories I've been fed over the years. I'm learning that she's only a victim of her own choosing and imagination and that is very disturbing to me. On some days, I feel like she is a stranger. And I find myself getting very angry when I hear her talking to others about her "life" because I know she's spouting off all this crap to make herself look good and to make others look like the bad guys.

And anger, wow... Boy do I feel a lot of that lately. I am angry at Charles for leaving her like this... for not taking care of her, for not providing for her. I'm angry at her for not having those "difficult" talks with him before he passed about how she would be taken care of should he go first. I find that I feel some anger towards my brothers. How easy it was for them to say "We think Mom should come live with you." and then not call much at all and not help in any way. This is not an easy thing to do emotionally but it certainly is not an easy thing to do financially. It is a lot to put on our shoulders and then run the other way. I realize they don't have super lucrative careers but still. We aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination. I'm angry that I have to juggle our finances every time I turn around just so we can take care of things that come up. We can't seem to catch a break these days and it just ticks me off.

I know part of life is rolling with the punches. That's how we learn and grow. But I'm tired of taking punches to the gut every time I turn around. Sick and tired. The things that keep me somewhat sane are 1) my husband loves me very much and can see my frustration and knows it isn't about him/us and 2) we have an insanely adorable little girl who loves and needs me. Her laugh and smile brings such joy to my life. Granted she is going through the terrible "whatevers" but she gives me hope that life will get better.

Some day things will look up for us. I have to keep the faith that life will get better.